


Therapy Through Fiction Can Get Sorta Fucked Up.

by spectralspices



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, homestuck epilogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-24 01:27:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18561136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spectralspices/pseuds/spectralspices
Summary: On the REAL Earth C, Rose Lalonde has given herself a new task! A new, greater challenge than she's ever undertaken before!She's going to be Caliborn's therapist. While he's in a garbage robot body to prevent murders. And he may possibly have written the Epilogue thing that somehow ended up on the main website of some kind of outeruniversal fictionalization of the lives of those who played SBURB.Oops.But, hey, most therapy has a rocky start! Probably.She's never actually therapized anything that isn't a cat before. Therapied? Whatever.





	1. The Prologue where we write the Prologue.

Rose Lalonde cleared her throat, a certain excitement rising in her chest as she did. "Caliborn, Calliope...are we ready to begin?" Her outfit was basic-Kanaya had prepared a whole host of incredibly alluring garments, but Rose had to unfortunately decline her lovely wife. Today she needed to be  _ simple _ . A white blouse and trousers worked, and coupled with her clipboard and the empty purple glasses frames she kept around, she looked like an actual accredited therapist.

Now, she technically  _ wasn't _ but she was also God so like, who was gonna stop her?  _ The Government? _

Before her were the Cherubic twins, Calliope-in a daisy-crown and long flowing sundress with a nervous smile on her skeletal face, and Caliborn. His revival had been one with the express purpose of  **NOT** letting the murderous little imp get up to any chaos. Therefore, Jade and Dirk had collaborated on a Calibot, one that kept the skeletal design of his natural body, while also adding limiters to his violent tendencies into his electronic brain. 

Spritebots had always been a confusing concept to Rose, especially when Aradia had excitedly rambled about the loss of personality and the deep, seething rage she held for Equius before, during, and after the entire process (she had also been insistent that she was fine and dandy now, though, which Rose doubted severely). But for now, the two siblings were together-likely for the first time in their lives. The two took a moment to glance at Rose, then to each other.

"YOu'RE BOTH THE STuPIDEST CuNTS IN PARADOX SPACE IF YOu THINK I'M GOING TO ENGAGE IN THIS POPPYFuCKING COCKERY."

"How can we both be the stUpidst cUnts in paradox space-"

"YOu'RE BOTH STuPIDER THAN EACH OTHER!!"

"-when yoU're sitting right next to me."

Rose tapped her pen against the clipboard, clearing her throat again. "That's quite enough of that. Calliope, you wanted to help with this. And Caliborn, unless you want to be obliterated on a conceptual level by the darkest, most baleful magyks that swell at my fingertips on the most minute of hostile intentions, just keep talking. Remember, this is all an attempt to be kind to you. We're only doing this because I got bored and your sister felt as if you could've possibly improved as an intelligent entity."

"WELL-"

"And I will firmly, near-threateningly remind you that  _ I do have the ability to psychically predict the future _ , so if you're feeling froggy, well...you'll be dead before you can jump. Are we clear?" His cybernetic eyes glared at her, his posture slowly starting to hunch over. 

Calliope chimed in. "Oh, we're absolUtely crystal, Rose! Err, Missus Lalonde-Maryam!!"

Rose smiled, glad that Roxy was with such a kind and adorable soul. "Alright then! Let's begin." 

 

The two now sat across from each other at a table, stacks of paper and a pen laying at the midpoint. Rose was standing to the side, adjusting her nonfunctional eyewear. "Alright. This is something I've decided to call "Fiction Therapy". The two of you will collaborate to write a story, taking turns on a system you both decide on."

"Oh...like how oUr body Used to work!!"

"Exactly, Calliope."

Calibot released a hateful groan, prompting Calliope to stick her tongue out at him. He then mimed gripping her head and driving his thumbs into her eyes. Rose decided to move on before escalation could continue any further.

"Now! The story should be something you both agree on, so...what are your ideas?"

"I WANT TO WRITE ABOuT BOTH OF YOU GETTING FuCKED TO D-" 

"That's disgUsting!!! We're writing about a...a cute alien who comes to the planet earth and meets a nice girl who loves science that-"

"FuCK THAT SHIT, IF YOu WANNA DO A STuPID STORY THEN LET'S WRITE ABOuT SOMEONE COOL. A CLEVER, WICKED MASTER OF THE NARRATIVE THAT NOBODY CAN STOP AS HE ACTS OuT ALL HIS WICKED SCHEMES-"

Calliope stood, slamming her hands onto the table as her voice began gaining a hostile edge. "All yoU care about is gross violence, sex, and worshipping male characters like if you sUck them off enoUgh yoU'll get to be as cool as them!!"

Caliborn responded in kind, his metallic arms decelerating his attempt to double fist slam into the table so that there was only a light tapping noise. "AND YOu ONLY WANT EMPTY FLuFF THAT GOES NOWHERE AND SAYS NOTHING!! MY THING WOULD BE A METATEXTuAL COMMENTARY!!!!"

"On WHAT?! There's no meta-text!! We're in THERAPY yoU absolUte GOBLIN!!!" 

Before Rose could stop the shouting match, the door into what was actually the Lalonde-Maryam household’s designated Office Space opened, and Kanaya entered holding a plate of near-raw steaks covered in sprinkles. “...Oh. Sorry If I Was Interrupting, I Just-”

“No, love, it’s alright. Did you, uh…” Rose stared at the dish. “What exactly was the plan here?”

Kanaya, a tall woman who had nearly a foot on her wife, looked surprisingly small as she struggled to explain. “I Tried To Make Some Cherub Refreshments Because There Was a Lot Of Shouting.” 

“Oh!! I ate before I came, bUt I’d love to have some later!” Calliope beamed, and Kanaya smiled back at her fellow space player. Caliborn, meanwhile, had snatched the pen and was quickly (and poorly) sketching an image of Kanaya with steaks covering her genitals-and nothing else. Rose, without anyone else noticing, turned the page he was working on into dust in his hands. 

“Alright, well-that was very lovely of you, Kanaya...and rather clever. You mixed their favourite foods…” Oh, OH, THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA. “... **_Together_ ** …” 

She had it. Rose whirled around, glasses flying off her face without her noticing as she pieced the idea together.

“Why don’t you two...write a story about what happened after the game? I can make you a prompt in just a little while-in the meantime, would you both like to meet the grubs?” Rose glanced to her wife, winking. She intended it to be a knowing wink, but her lesbian charms were just too much, and she made her vampiric love glow a little brighter. 

“THE FuCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! DON’T YOu ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AFTER YOu CHEATED TO BEAT BIG COOL ADuLT ME??” 

“Well, yes, we do...I don’t think I Understand, Misses Lalonde-Maryam?” 

“Here’s the basic idea: John has to go back into the game to REALLY defeat Caliborn. I’ll write an introduction while you’re downstairs seeing the babies, and then when you come back up, you can begin.”

The cherubs both began to object, but the moment before the sound left their mouths, they...well, they thought about it. Calliope would have another chance to write something, something that could help her brother be less terrible. Caliborn could flex his storytelling muscles, and BuILD A MuCH BETTER WORLD THAN YOuR HAPPY ENDING FuCKHELL.

At the same time, they both replied…

“OKAY, FINE!!”

“SoUnds fUn!”

Kanaya led them both out to the Grubcaves, and Rose got to work writing a Prologue to their Therapy Epilogue.

This was going to go so well!


	2. MISTAKES WERE MADE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I finished this at 1 AM, can YOU, dear reader, tell where that part begins?

**_THIS WAS GOING SO FUCKING POORLY_ **

It started off so well! When the two had returned, they listened as Rose read the story and let them mull over it. But that was twelve hours ago. Hundreds of thousands of words in, Rose was on her tenth cup of coffee, as she heard Dave and Karkat talking outside, as Roxy snored on the couch in the living room. The twins were still at it, having worked themselves into a frenzy early on. Rose had nearly ended up body slamming them both, calling Kanaya in to keep them under wraps while she went out to get some rest. Simple, right? But then Kanaya had to tap out-Caliborn had started forcing a lot more misogynistic content, beginning with deciding that the Roxy in the story was going to have John’s child. Shooting back, Calliope had started complicating all of his plotthreads. So then Rose took another turn, while Kanaya called Dave and Karkat for backup, and eventually Roxy as well.

The backup was… _ needed _ . 

 

At this point, Rose Lalonde was staring at over 80 pages-pages that contained far too much sexualization of her and her female friends, John Egbert in a heterosexual relationship and having a son with Roxy, Dave and Karkat spurning Jade Harley who was suddenly a fetishistic strawman of Calliope, and later  _ literally _ another form of Calliope, Jane Crocker was a fascist and Dirk had become some kind of Uber Cool Badass Self Insert for Caliborn, only barely a step away from simply becoming that awful OC they found thousands of drawings of when they went back to the game to beat him up that one time. 

And also apparently Rose and Kanaya’s daughter was named Vriska.

And they both explicitly breastfed Vriska. 

Jesus Fucking Christ.

The two were now arguing over how to end the story, literally wrestling over the pen. 

“It needs to be a happy ending! You can’t jUst end every fUcking story with death and drama and sadness! There needs to be something for the people reading to actUally enjoy instead of just feeling terrible the whole fUcking time!!”

“WHAT DO YOu KNOW? ALL YOu’VE EVER MADE IS SACCHARINE HORSESHIT THAT CAN’T HOLD ANY SIGNIFICANCE BEYOND MAKING YOuR GAY LITTLE HEART FLUTTER-”

“Caliborn, yoU ARE ALSO GAY!!!!” 

Dave chose that moment to poke his head in through the crack in the door...literally. Social boundaries and common sense had sort of decayed, and at one point Karkat had thrown that giant joke book John gave them for their wedding present through the top half of the door. 

“Yo guys I just invented chocolate dipped cheeto puffs.” 

Rose glared daggers at her brother, grip tightening on her mug. “Dave. We don’t have any cheetos in the house.”

“...Then what have I been dipping in the chocolate…?” 

Rose was, at this point, disassociating so hard she was looking into a timeline where she was asleep right now. She wept a silent tear of jealousy before tuning back into the argument. 

“I swear to Us if yoU try to make Rose and Kanaya break Up in this with yoUr stUpid fUcking Self In-Dirk-t, I’m going to drop yoU into a bathtUb!!”

“EAT MY WHOLE CYBERDICK, IT’S REQUIRED TO SHOW HOW DANGEROUS AND IN-CONTROL HE IS-” He never really got to finish the sentence.

 

Rose interrupted them by slamming her head through the nearest wall, so goddamned fucking tired of this entire storyline and with Caliborn’s bullshit (and how he was able to pull Calliope into it as well) that she was willing to further the destruction of her home. The impact and the cascade of ruined plywall alerted the twin cherubs to her shift in mood, turning their heads to see Rose slowly turn her head inside the newly formed hole in her wall to glare at the both of them with one lavender eye.

“ **GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE.** ” It wasn’t only a command, it was a rather forceful spell. Twisting from the shadows of every person in her home, save for her wife, were eldritch tendrils that quickly enveloped those standing above them. They then burst apart, having transported everyone to their proper places-namely, Not Fucking There. Rose remained with her head embedded in the drywall for a little while, groaning quietly as she finally felt the absolute failure of this exercise sink in. 

Kanaya came in a few moments later, stroking Rose’s back with a quiet sigh. “You  _ Did _ Try Your Best.” 

“Mhnrh…”

“And It’s Not Exactly Like It Started Off As A Bad Idea. It’s Just That…”

“Hnhnhnhmhnrhn.” 

“...You’re Obviously Not In A Good Mood. Would You Like To Lay Your Head On My Lap And Watch Me Play Vampire The Masquerade?” 

“...” Rose pulled her head out of the caved in section of the wall. “...only if you play as the really hot version of you that I made.”

“Why The Fuck Else Would I Even Boot Up The Game, Rose. Honestly.” She reached down and lifted her wife bridal style, kissing her cheek as she hauled her off for some  _ well earned _ alone time.

 

If you’re wondering where everyone else ended up, let’s shoot the list off quickstyle, yeah?

 

Calliope and Roxy returned to their home, for a night of Calliope venting and Roxy looking into actual licensed therapists-she loved her momdaughter dearly but like….there was a  _ lot _ wrong with that entire concept, least of all that she was literally coming up with it as she went. But hey, it was fun watching all pretense and social conventions dissolve as they descended into semi-madness.

Roxy wanted to make it a biweekly thing. Call it...Cherubpy. Make it like DnD night.

 

Dave  ended up in a record shop on the other side of the planet. He was confused as hell until The Knight of Time realized that the place was so bad at taking care of their products that the vinyl had warped in such a way that it was the most garbage sound possible.

He, of course, bought their entire stock and captchalouged them all to take home. Today was a good day.

Karkat was dropped into his Troll Kingdom office, with a stack of undone paperwork just oozing with potential. God, he loved being a bureaucrat. He dove into his work, excited to return to Dave once again with a hearty "HONEY, I'M HOME!!!"

 

Caliborn, meanwhile, was  _ specifically _ slammed face first into Dirk’s workshop floor, skidding to a stop after a few seconds. With a simulated groan, he sat up, glaring at the nothing he'd arrived from, shaking his useless robot fist impotently. “YOu FREAKS JuST COuLDN’T APPRECIATE A NARRATIVE WITH ANY STAKES OR WEIGHT!! DIRK WILL LOVE IT, I JuST KNOW IT, JuST GOTTA…” He glanced around, realizing the only paper in the room was Dirk’s usual messy bullshit. Where was his WORD ART?! 

...Oh, right.

He’d let go of it by accident while he was teleporting. Hm. He hopes that doesn’t somehow transmit the jumbled fuckmess of poorly thought out threads, completely out-of-character behaviour, and directly contradictory events didn’t somehow enter the minds of a writing team of higher dimensional supergods that forged the superfabric of his underlying reality, leading to a fairly major timeline where the events described in their story took place at the end of some more meaningful and enjoyable narrative, causing some kind of massive and jarring tonal shift from the previous state of the work. 

But, like, what were the odds of that?

**UNFORTUNATELY HIGH, APPARENTLY** .


End file.
